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Morton Huseman Has a Girlfriend: The Retracted Blogpost Reposted

Seven years ago when I first published this post, I was advised by my agent and my editor to pull it, so I did. But 7 years have passed and people have died and so I'm reposting it.


Morton Huseman has a girlfriend. She is living in my house. You are all, I know, wondering how I keep letting this happen, strangers in my house, and I have no answer for you. This woman appeared on a Friday to vex my soul, but though I am not afraid of her, I am still a little afraid of Morton because of his swivel head and penguin eyes. When he looks at this woman, those penguin eyes do a sort of Grave's Disease bulge in his face, like cartoon love. I do believe I see the outline of his heart thumping and pumping through his shirt. His man breasts quiver when she touches his forearms, which is often. She is a touchy, pawing kind of a person. Except with me. She hates me, even though she is living in my house and eating my food. Why does she live here then? Because I am a foolish and extremely kin…

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